


Shadows and Nightmares

by goseaward



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-02-03
Updated: 2004-02-03
Packaged: 2017-10-31 13:56:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/344791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goseaward/pseuds/goseaward
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Severus Snape is initiated into the Death Eaters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shadows and Nightmares

**Author's Note:**

> Huge, incredible thanks to Amanuensis and Femme, without whom this would have been somewhere between confusing and incomprehensible. Also, I must thank them for the loan of their confidence in the story. :)

Severus whirled when he felt a tap on his shoulder. There, behind him, was Sirius Black, lounging against the dungeon wall with a self-confident smile. 

"Why, hello there, Snivellus," he said. 

"Bugger off," Severus growled, glancing back at the door. It was shut and locked. Wonderful. He was trapped in the same room as one of the most arrogant pricks in the school. 

"Why, that's a brilliant idea," Black said. He did cut a fine figure: a blue shirt stretched across his muscled chest and powerful arms, and his angle against the wall showed off the lines of his firm stomach descending into almost indecently tight black trousers. Suddenly he pushed himself off the wall, standing straight, a bit too close. "What do you say, Snivellus? Up for a shag?" 

Severus shuddered. He could see the feral light in Black's eyes. Stepping back carefully, he said, "Not from a self-centred fuckhead like you." 

"Come on." Black stepped closer. "Filthy Slytherin like you should _want_ a bit of Pureblood in him." He raised his eyebrows. "You know you want me." 

"Like I want a flobberworm," Severus hissed, moving further back. 

"You think your housemates will help you?" There was a smirk on Black's face, reminiscent of Lucius taunting house-elves. "You're as good as a Muggle to them. Nobody will rescue you here." 

"You're wrong. I don't need rescuing." 

"I'm never wrong," Black said. He grinned. Severus could smell his breath, a combination of Butterbeer and tobacco smoke. 

Severus's back hit the wall near the door, pulse loud in his ears. Black's grin broadened. "Why, Snivellus! Stuck between a rock--" he reached up and ran his fingers over the stones "--and a hard place." He was close, head-swimmingly close, groin starting to grind into Severus's. Oh God, he was serious. And large--Severus wasn't used to... 

Black kissed him. Teeth clinked and Severus was sure his lips were bruised but Black didn't let up, pressing him against the wall with thick muscles and straining tendons, with presence and sheer mass that Severus couldn't match. And Severus didn't have his wand. 

Black pulled back and sniffed him deeply. 

"Do I smell good?" Severus asked. He had a feeling his sneer did not look as convincing as usual. 

"Not as good as you will covered in my come," Sirius said, then reached for his trouser buttons. He had to pull back to do so, and Severus tried to run for the door. Black's hand shot out again, trapping him. Sharp teeth bit into his neck. Severus jerked. "Don't try that again," Black said. His stubble scraped Severus's cheek. Severus winced as a thick sloppy tongue slurped along his ear. "All right, you little cocksucker, I'm going to make you very, very happy." Black undid another button on his trousers. 

Best thing to do now was get it over with. Severus went limp in Lupin's arms. 

"Too late," Lupin said, his hoarse voice sending chills up Severus's spine like fingernails on a chalkboard. "I only have a few minutes left." He supported Severus, setting him down on the window seat. Moonlight ran down like water over Severus's shoulders and pooled around the shadow at his feet; he realized suddenly that it was the full moon, that Lupin had already begun the transformation, because he would not have been strong enough to lift Severus at any other time. 

Lupin's pale-brown hair began to turn golden and lengthen, running streamers forward onto his face and flowing onto the backs of his hands. Light glinted off the werewolf's elongating teeth. Sickening crunching noises filled the room as his bones melted and reshaped, clicking into place with the finality of an airtight vault. Severus reached for his wand, then realized he did not remember the spells that would repel the creature. He froze on the window seat. This was it: the moment of his death. The wolf was down on all fours now, head even with the platform where Severus sat. He'd forgotten how huge Lupin was in this guise. 

The wolf growled, long, low, and throaty, making the stones of the window seat shake. Its lips pulled back, showing shiny, dripping teeth and red gums, its muscles bunched for a pounce, and Severus could do nothing: no counterspells, no running...there wasn't even a knife or club in the room he could try to use. Nothing to do but sit and feel the fear rise sickly and cold from his belly. 

"Moony." Potter's voice echoed, hollow but tender, from across the room. "Leave him be." 

Turning, the wolf eyed Potter, then relaxed and trotted over. Potter smiled down at it. "You'll have more fun outside," he said. The wolf butted him on the hand, and Potter obligingly stroked his fingers through the long fur. He walked over and opened the window. The wolf hopped up to the window seat, making Severus start, and jumped out. Satisfied, Potter stood and watched as the wolf ran in circles on the lawn, a fish in the mercury moonlight. 

Severus sniffed, and Potter turned to look at him. "I'm sorry about Moony. He's not very tolerant of strangers." An understatement, obviously. "I'm James Potter. What's your name?" 

Incredulous, Severus stared at him. 

"I'm sorry--have I offended you in some way?" Potter's handsome face twisted into a worried expression. It didn't look any worse on him than a smile, unfortunately. 

"Severus Snape. We went to Hogwarts together." 

"Did we? I don't recall." Potter flashed him a winning smile, which irritated Severus further. "You must have been in Hufflepuff; I didn't have class with them often." 

"Slytherin," Severus grated. He felt his fingers curling in a fist, but forced them to relax: it reminded him too much of Black's blind animalism. 

"Really?" The confusion was back. "I don't remember you at all." 

"Obviously." 

"Well--oh. Moony's...I need to go outside." He went to the door. "It was a pleasure to see you again, Cerberus." 

"Severus!" he yelled, but James was already out the door. Severus snarled and yanked it open. "Fucking--" 

Dumbledore turned around. "There's no need for foul language, Severus." 

"Oh." Severus felt confused--was this whom he had been expecting? 

"It's perfectly all right." Dumbledore twinkled. Twinkling, for Dumbledore, was an energetic full-body pursuit, and Severus bristled in response. "What can I do for you, my boy?" 

"I just saw the werewolf again. I thought he was confined to the Shrieking Shack." 

"Well, Severus, it's a quarter moon tonight. Surely you cannot have seen Mr Lupin in his transformed state?" 

But he was sure...and yet it was already fading like a dream. "I must have dozed off doing my Transfiguration homework. Can't you have a word with Professor McGonagall? She gives us too much." 

"And why are you down in these dank dungeons, doing your Potions homework?" As usual, Dumbledore walked over any subjects he didn't wish to discuss. He laid a gentle hand on Severus's shoulder. "Come join us in the Great Hall! Supper is scrumptious tonight." 

"No, thank you, Professor. I am...content here." He looked at the solid comfortable stone, the walls of his home for so long. 

"Are you sure, Severus?" 

Severus nodded. 

"We're always happy to have you join us. You do it so infrequently." The hand on his shoulder rubbed again. Dumbledore always tried to be so kind before he forced Severus into things. It made Severus sick. 

"I am not hungry." 

"If you're sure," Dumbledore said. "You will be missed." 

"I wouldn't have said it if I weren't sure." 

Dumbledore stared at him, eyes a bright eggshell blue. It reminded him of the colour of Lucius's room, the thick drapings on the bed and the soft duvet. The colour always turned Lucius's eyes a leaden blue-grey instead of their usual flat ash shade and made his hair glow golden in the torchlight. It danced over his pale skin and lent him perfection. 

"Enough staring," Lucius said and tugged at the mussed duvet. "Are you all cleaned up?" 

Severus blinked, disoriented. He felt clean...but he didn't remember anything before the question. Lucius was still looking at him; best not to annoy him. "Yes." 

"I don't understand why you won't use a Scouring Charm." 

"Makes my skin hurt," Severus said and slid under the sheets. Lucius ran a white hand up his arm. 

"Perhaps it would give you a bit of pink over that horrible yellow." 

Severus sniffed. "Perhaps it would do you good to have any colour at _all_." 

"Insults on my appearance are much less successful after you've spent five minutes observing my exquisite body." 

"Exquisite, my arse." 

"Actually, your arse is rather poor. As is the rest of you." 

Severus sniffed again. "Then why are you shagging me?" 

"I'm not." 

"Like hell you're not!" 

"Not right now." Lucius smiled lazily. 

"Wanker," Severus muttered before he could stop himself. He tensed, but Lucius didn't seem to mind. 

"No, not really. Narcissa is quite obliging, as my wife should be. And there's always you when I need quick and discreet." 

"I'm not quick!" 

Lucius ignored him. "Not like you're much good for anything else." He rolled over, exposing a long swathe of pale muscled back and fine blond hair. He really was beautiful, a creature of yellow light and marble against the soft blue bedclothes. "Go to sleep, Severus. I must be up early." 

Severus, in turn, ignored Lucius's dismissal. "So, what will happen tomorrow?" he asked, his voice quieter than he would have liked. Something seemed wrong about asking, like he was supposed to be asleep already, but he was curious. 

"You are not supposed to know." 

Severus snorted. "And I'm sure everyone else will know, anyway. Didn't you?" 

"Yes." 

"Then tell me. I can take it." 

"Good night, Severus." 

"You know I won't be quiet until you tell me." 

Lucius rolled over and glared at him. "Our Lord will cause you to dream your fears, or remember them. Now you can be worried all day. Happy?" 

"It doesn't sound too bad," Severus said, too quickly, too coolly. 

"You haven't done it. Now, go to sleep before I kick you out." He rolled back and pulled the duvet up to his chin. Definitely done for the night. 

Severus dove into the dark, warm cavern of the bedclothes. Too dark--the softness was all around him, pressing down, pressing in, till he couldn't breathe and couldn't feel. He thrashed wildly, trying to push the choking cloth away. It was--he was going to die in a pit of darkness, a pit of deprivation, with nothing but his screaming aching lungs for company. 

"Severus, control yourself," Rodolphus said coldly as Severus yanked the hood of his cloak away from his face. "Don't get yourself all worked up. It's your first kill, not the Quidditch World Cup. For God's sake." 

"Well, sorry," Severus said, offended. Rodolphus should know how confining these costumes were. He tugged at the tight neck and adjusted his mask. 

"Please, don't, don't kill me," the bundle of bloody cloth at his feet stammered. "I'll do anything, anything you like." Fingers crept across the stone floor, up the hem of his robe. "Please--just let me--" 

"Get your filthy fingers off me, you disgrace to wizardry," Severus hissed. 

She jerked back, shaking. "Please..." 

The cherry-coloured blood looked awful against her red hair. 

"Tell me what your brother is doing and perhaps we can work out a compromise." Rodolphus shot him a look. Severus glared back; this was his mission, and he'd handle the girl. He was lying to her, obviously. 

"No-nothing, he's not doing anything, just raising his family. Lots of Pureblood children," she added hopefully. 

"Now, Alexandra, we both know he's doing more than that." 

"He's a minor Min-ministry official, why do you want hi-him?" 

"Why wouldn't we want him? We want all the Purebloods to join us." 

Rodolphus looked like he was fighting laughter. 

"But you s-say he's no better than a Muggle, because he li-likes their toys..." 

"All the Purebloods, Alexandra. We might even take you." 

This seemed to set her off again. "Don't hu-hurt me! I can't tell you, I don't know, just let me go, I can find out for you..." 

"I think that's all we'll get out of her," Severus said over her babbling. 

"You _believe_ her?" Rodolphus taunted. 

"No. But I plan on breaking her," Severus said, "and by the time her mind's open she won't be able to talk at all." 

He waited for the light to spark in Rodolphus's eyes, then flicked his wand towards the girl and said, " _Crucio_." 

She screamed, twisting and writhing on the stone floor. Her back bent like a bow and she jerked, again, again, hitting her head on the floor before squirming herself onto her front, knocking her face and arms against the unforgiving surface. Rodolphus was hard, Severus could see it from the corner of his eye. Bloody bastard. Finally Severus lifted the curse and the girl lay silent, barely conscious, in a pool of her own blood. 

"Mother!" he screamed and ran to her side, running a hand up her arm, searching for signs of life. Her eyes were half-open, but she didn't respond. He brushed a sticky lock of black hair from her face and then turned stinging eyes to his father. "What--" 

"You should learn, boy, that some people in this life just aren't worth the effort." His father sat down at the table. 

Severus stroked his mother's hair, thick with blood from the impact with the stone floor. "I will never learn that." 

"Suit yourself." His father reached for his pipe, lit it, took a deep puff. "It's not on my hands." 

"Not any more, you fucking bastard," Severus said. He grabbed his cloak off the chair. "You'll never have to deal with me again." 

His father blew a smoke ring. 

Intent on finding someone to take his mother's crumpled body from the house, someone whom his father would listen to, he stalked out the door and walked down the street. It turned slowly to foggy, familiar woods. Briefly, Severus's mind rebelled: this was not how things had happened. However, the sight of Karkaroff drove the thought from his head. 

"He'll be with you in just a moment," Karkaroff said as Severus approached, taking in the bloodstained costume and dark mask. "Crabbe and Goyle are with him now." 

"Wonderful," Severus said. "I'm sure he'll be in a good mood, then." 

Karkaroff stubbed out his cigarette and smirked. "I'm sure. Where's Rodolphus?" 

"Taking care of the body." 

"Nice euphemism." Karkaroff laughed. 

Crabbe and Goyle stumbled past them, holding on to each other for support. This did not bode well. Karkaroff nodded, and Severus walked forward to the clearing. Voldemort sat alone, waiting, to hear news and dole out punishments as he often did. 

"Welcome back," the oiled voice said. 

Severus knelt. "My Lord." 

"I heard your kill was successful tonight. Congratulations." 

"Yes, my Lord. She died screaming." 

"Ahhhh." The sigh rolled out of the Dark Lord, slow and rich. "The best kind. I am glad you were able to experience it." 

"Yes, my Lord." 

"But you were able to find no information?" 

"No, my Lord. The Weasleys are...tenacious." 

"Indeed." Severus wished he could tell the Dark Lord's mood from his voice alone, but he always sounded the same way. Dangerous. "Rastaban broke one on his first mission." 

"I was not aware of that, my Lord." 

"Yes. A brother. You had only the younger sister, is that correct?" 

"Yes, my Lord." 

"I suppose you will do better next time. You are still young, after all. Rastaban did not join us until he was already nineteen." 

"Thank you, my Lord. I will do my best to serve you." 

"Of that, Severus, I am sure." 

Severus waited. 

" _Crucio_." 

He'd known it was coming, could do nothing to stop it, but that didn't change the fire that filled him, cracking his bones, frying his nerves. He screamed. He screamed and screamed and screamed until Lucius's wand lowered and the pain stopped. 

_Lucius's_ wand....? 

He stood, gasping. The world felt--solid again, somehow. Whole. Out of the corners of his eyes he could see the east and west marks, where Rastaban and Bellatrix stood. They held their wands as Lucius did. The end of the spell, then? He looked at Lucius, the question in his eyes, but found no answer in the dark sockets of the bone-white mask. 

"Turn around," Lucius said when Severus did not move. 

Severus obeyed. 

"Well done, Severus Snape," the Dark Lord said. He was smiling, but Severus was not comforted. "You have passed the test. I welcome you to the ranks of my Death Eaters." 

"May I serve you long and well, my Lord," Severus said, bowing. 

The Dark Lord stepped back, breaking the circle. Lucius, behind him, walked forward and took his elbow. In a low voice, he said, "There's only the Mark left and then you're done." 

Severus nodded and followed the Dark Lord and the Lestranges, holding fast to Lucius's shoulder. The contact reassured him that the world was real again, and then they were at the fire and he no longer needed the confirmation. 

The Mark was the work of a moment, a brief flare of pain and a smell of burnt flesh before it rose pink and new from his left forearm. It was nothing compared the mental trial he had just endured. 

"May you be worthy of this honour," the Dark Lord said. 

"My Lord," Severus said, bowing. 

The Dark Lord turned to the next waiting initiate, dismissal clear in his posture. Severus went over to Lucius. Together they walked out of the woods. 

"You should come to the Manor. Narcissa is already asleep, of course." Lucius leaned closer, though there was no one around, and breathed into Severus's ear, "I might need to capitalise on your performance anxiety." He kissed Severus quickly, harshly, and then broke away to lead the way out of the woods. 

Severus smiled and followed Lucius. But the words had sparked an idea in Severus's head. If Lucius could use his knowledge of Severus's fears, then so could Voldemort. And if Voldemort acted on that knowledge, his actions could be predictable. Perhaps...perhaps he could use that to his advantage. 

After all, his fears had never made him helpless.


End file.
